We serve you alcohol and clean up after you so you can have a good time, maybe go home with that special person, or so you can get over a rough week... Now here's how you’re supposed to act once you get to the bar, because 90% of you don’t have a clue. And “Yes!” A tip is mandatory, no matter where you are, and $.50 doesn't cut it!
1. Our names are NOT "Hey" or "Yo", nor do we respond to whistles or banging your bottle or glass on the bar! If you ever do get your drink you can be sure we will serve everyone else at the bar before we decide to serve you.
2. Even if you DO know my name, yelling it across the bar will not get me to serve you any quicker. As a matter of fact, it will probably annoy the piss out of me and will once again result in you waiting longer.
3. Mouth closed, money out! Just because we look at you, doesn't mean we're ready for you! Just because we haven't looked at you doesn't mean that we don't know you are there. WE KNOW YOU ARE THERE!
4. Do NOT lean as far as you can over the bar, in case I didn’t see you. I see you. Really, I do.
5. If we are making drinks, do NOT say, "When you get a chance." When we get a chance, you will know!
6. Never....ever...."EVER".... touch the bartender!
7. DO NOT tell us you bartend too! We'll know if you do or don't by the way you conduct yourself!
8. DO NOT start the order off with, "GIVE ME A STRONG DRINK!" You are guaranteed to have the WEAKEST DRINK EVER!!
9. DO NOT say "I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU" if you don't know what that means! $1.00 tip is NOT taking care of us!
10. We don't care who you are or who you know - the guy before you hit on us too... and the guy before him and the guy before him... We're bartenders, --WE'RE NOT GOING HOME WITH YOU!!!!!
11. Waving your money at us just annoys us - We know you're there and we'll get to you when we get to you!!!
12. NO TIPPIE, NO DRINKIE! (Go back and read rule #9 again) ) If you can’t tip you shouldn’t be in the bar.
13. Do not COMPLAIN ABOUT PRICES! If you want to act like a big shot and order an expensive drink.....don't ruin it by complaining about the price. Order something cheaper next time, “Thrifty.”
14. Yes, there IS alcohol in it! If you can't taste it, you've drank too much and I should cut you off! If you want me to put another shot in it, you will pay for it.
15. NO SLEEPING ON THE BAR! If we wanted to see you sleep we would go home w/ you. (Read rule #10 again.)
16. Don't ask me to name EVERY beer in stock. You know what the hell you drink so just order it and stop wasting my time. I'll tell you if I don't have it.
17. If you do tip us well and we buy you a drink, DO NOT announce to the WHOLE bar that the Bartender "hooked you up" You will never get another free drink again!!!!
18. Please do not tell us your personal "stories" b/c we don't care and quite frankly....we just don't have the time. Just give us your order and tip us in dollars...not with paper roses or perfectly peeled beer labels.
19. Don't come to my bar and act like a big dog just because you are wearing a suit. Chances are I make more than you do and have more fun doing it, so take a step back, relax and get over yourself.
20. DO NOT assume that we are allowed to give a few drinks away because not all bars are the same. And certainly DO NOT ask me for a free drink because you tipped me well. As much as I appreciate your generosity........I can assure you that your tip will not be enough to pay my bills for the month.
21. When ordering a mixed drink, the liquor comes before the mixer. Don't order a cranberry with vodka! It is vodka and cranberry.
22. When you finally get our attention do not turn around and then ask your group of friends what they want. We will walk away and make you wait until you are actually ready to order.
23. Do NOT string-order your drinks. Tell me what you want... your FULL order, if I forget, I will ask YOU.
24. Do NOT ask me for a free drink on your birthday. Do you go to the grocery store and ask for a free loaf of bread too? Do you go to the gas station and ask for free gas? If I want to buy you a drink, I will if I feel like it. NOT just because it’s your birthday.
25. When you say, "I tip at the end of the night." or “I’ll take care of you later." We already know you're going to be a cheap-ass and not tip at all.
26. If you use a credit/debit card, do NOT make me continuously run your card through for just one round. Open a tab. When you close it, be sure you are not going to want anything else. I am not going to run your credit card all night long each time you just want "one more round." Also, cash tips are always better! Thanks.
27. If you spill your drink because you're drunk, then NO, I’m not giving you another one. You don’t need another one if you can’t hold on to the one I just made you. Also, if you tell me, "someone threw my drink away." well too bad! You shouldn’t have left it unattended anyways!
28. If you want to buy a drink for "that girl over there" then I hope you know what she's drinking. I don’t. And no, I won’t go find out, or leave the bar to serve it to her.
29. Last call is LAST CALL! FINISH YOUR DRINK AND GET THE HELL OUT! No, you can’t stay after everyone else has left. You're not the only friend I have, nor are the first person to ask. Just leave before you get yelled at, or I do!
30. Just be respectful and I'm sure you will see a difference in your bartender's response time. I know it's hard for some of you to understand what that means. If you still don't know, go back and read this whole thing over and over until you grasp a firm understanding of the concept. Thank you!!!!
And PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, if you’re drinking, don’t drive, and if you’re driving, don’t drink!
Now go have a good time.
(This list mostly pertains to college and dive bars, we know a lot of people are cool and tip their bartenders.)
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